Making my Own Boundaries

Kids are mean. Not all kids are always mean, but some seem to have the mean gene passed on to them by unhappy parents.

Our neighbor girl (Helga) is 12 with a mean streak finely honed by loneliness and inattentive parenting. Dad is a blowhard in love with grass cutting. Mom is ditzy with the characteristics of a closet drinker. The older brother has a recently diagnosed condition which his parents ignored until he reached middle school and therefore allowed him to miss out on the help occupational therapy and medication could have brought him.

I've dealt with dad's rage over a suspected infraction by my second son. I've watched Helga taunt my son into active anger, get hurt and run to father. Helga has told my children she will tell on them and her dad will get mad at me, the mom. Trash talk between families occurs weekly, with the latest being over property infractions.

Saturday my kids were raking and dared grab leaves from "their side of the yard". Since my front window opens quietly and allows me unsuspected eavesdropping, I overheard this argument and took action. Grabbing a can of Lilac spray paint (purchased for a project long ago) I walked out between yards and started spraying. Saying nothing, just spraying.

When I was done, Helga asked me what I was doing. I told her I was marking the property so that the discussion of who owned which leaves could end. She seemed more surprised than upset by this bizarre action on my part, and the argument ended.

The purple line is evident three days later. Our friends a few houses down came over to discover the origin of the line, and found the practical solution to an age-old kid argument hysterical.

New Favorite Author = Donna Leon

Donna Leon has lived in Venice for many years and previously lived in Switzerland, Saudi Arabia, England, Iran and China, where she worked as a teacher. Her previous novels featuring Commissario Brunetti have all been highly acclaimed, most recently 'Friends in High Places', which won the 'Crime Writers' Association Macallan Silver Dagger for Fiction.

http://www.groveatlantic.com/leon/author.htm

The first book I read was Acqua Alta by Donna Leon. She writes about a Venetian detective named Guido Brunetti. What delighted me most about her writing is the attention to detail provided about the characters. How they hold a glass, to the folds in their clothing, to smells in the air during a long walk. She introduced me to the city of Venice with its complex history, decaying beauty, and intricate social customs and traditions. Her characters are not stereotypes, neither are they "normal" straight heterosexual beings. I met an arrogant state officials with touches of homophobia and faithfulness to an erring spouse, a famous female opera star who loved both men and women, transvestite prostitutes caught in a complex housing swindles, gypsies who are considered dangerous, unwanted minorities with their own social systems, Italian mafia who wish to have their own state. I've read 4 books so far and am anxious to finish her series.

Medication and Denial

How many times have I pulled the medication warning paper off the bag of prescriptions meds and not bothered to read it? Maybe 99%, especially with meds I've used for other people in the family. So hypertension is a side affect of using Concerta, but the side affect was not one that would affect me.

Ignorance is bliss, as they say. Purposeful ignorance becomes denial. What I don't know can hurt me. What I refuse to acknowledge as risk and continue to practice becomes deadly.

I am trying not to make a big deal about medication. So this one made me sick and scared, but I listened to my body, checked my blood pressure over a few days, and concluded I had to discontinue the medication.

What I am admitting here is acknowledging the care I have to take of this body as I end my half-century of living. And begin the next, silly! I am NOT THAT FAR GONE!

ADHD and Me Tee Hee!

My partner has been bugging me for years about my inattentiveness, messy habits, lateness, etc. (The etc. is too long and too tempting for future blogging to reveal here.) I finally saw a shrink for med check this year which was a true sign of my ability to listen and respond appropriately to relationship feedback. (See? I do listen......... huh??)

I contacted my clinic and was put on a waiting list for a shrink. Evidently, because I was not feeling the desire to off myself or others, my mental health needs could wait. I met with my shrink a couple months ago and WE decided an ADHD "test" was in order.

With no concerns on my part about the testing, I signed up with Dr. ADHD. With four kids affected, we've become well-versed in psych meds including those which treat Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. I needed to be honest about symptoms even though I knew how to "exaggerate" severity and frequency. (Note, "exaggerate" is a nice way of saying "lie.")

What did I learn from the testing?

1. Testing can mean you sit in a chair and answer questions. No paper required!
   
2. Don't refer to the tester as Dr. ADHD. Some people want their patients to see beyond catch phrase specialties involving multiple letters packed together.
3. I have ADHD. Hyperactivity systems include: little(REAL) songs playing in my head while I am listening to others, inability to sit still for long periods without doing something productive, ability to have audio books playing for most my waking hours.
4. Some people are REALLY tall! (Combine that with thin, male, bearded. Put me next to the person and the song "One of These Things are not Like the Other" will immediately replace whatever is going on in my busy head.)

I started on Concerta last week, understanding the risks but hoping my inattentiveness would be addressed successfully. The first few days I felt hyper-focused and productive. Then nothing. We upped the dose to 54 mg.

Checking blood pressure is a must for those on ADHD meds. Tuesday I checked mine in a public place (142 over 110) and was alarmed at the numbers. Thursday I checked again at a local Cub and saw a new record (150 over 101). Not good. Definitely NOT GOOD. The numbers indicate hypertension and serious heart risk.

So off goes the meds. On goes a call to the doctor to tell her what's up. I am willing to try another couple options, but if blood pressure is still an issue, ADHD meds are not for me.

I wanted one medication to work. My addictive personality demands a quick fix. My recovery personality understands I can't always get what I want when I want it.

Now I am singing "You can't always get what you want" with a chorus of "I'm off to see the shrinky, the wonderful shrinky of meds" as I dial the phone. Oh doctor! Doooooccccctor!

How does more than a year pass without a blog post?

Easily. Life goes on. Priorities change.

Now my priorities include blogging.

The kids are in school. My youngest finally started all day kindergarten and I have blessed silence for part of the day.

Blogging takes commitment. Now THAT is something I should blog about. Another day!

Enough Already! I am not in need of a change!

My brother posted an article about some Focus on the Family (American, James Dobson, queer hating "christian") sub-group spouting the possibility of changing "orientation". Basically its possible if the subject is willing enough. Just give it the old college try, smash the "feelings" of homosexuality way deep down, and come back to the heterosexual life.

Funny, but the article and most of Dobson's work focuses on male homosexuals. Not much about the lesbians, or the bisexuals, or the "feared" transfolks. I had to read through the stupid thing, like watching a TV car crash in slow motion. You know a lot of special effects are involved, and most to all is not real, but you have to watch anyways. I read so I can remember what my siblings (not all, just some) believe down deep. That this phase of my life will pass, that I could change if I tried, that I am still following that "false Jesus" who loves me as I am.

So, my brother, why bother posting this information? Do you have a lot of queer readers dying for a morsel of truth so they can change their wicked ways? I don't think so, as I am the only one of his family or friends who is openly gay and doesn't give a damn who knows.

The only thing in my life that needs a change right now is the dang light bulb over the stove. It keeps burning out. I keep replacing it. Maybe if its willing and tries hard enough, if it believes in itself enough, it will stay lit all the time and never burn out. Let's all pray it does!

Naughty = Bipolar Disorder? Behavior Disorder? Having a Bad Day?

Behavior is the topic at our home. Manage the ones whom we've brought through some serious stuff. Help them cope with emotions by helping them find and use the right tools. Then a new situation pops up, and we are off again.

Our four year old is a peach. At parties, school, church, with the neighbors. Wherever he is "ON" he behaves beautifully. But get him alone with the family, where he doesn't want to do SOMETHING (go to bed, put away a toy, finish his dinner, put on a pull-up) and the explosive tantrums begin. He spits, kicks, hit, name calls, runs up the street. He shreds paper, breaks toys, throws whatever is near at hand. The child passes from OK and generally following with the flow to a demon child. We are waiting for his head to spin around and the green pea soup to come out of his mouth while he speaks in a creepy deep voice.

We've tried medication and he is off all meds for now. We've met with a behavioral specialist from the county. Our son weekly receives OT for sensory issues. We need to get him into a psychiatrist to see if this is related to his FASD, ARND, or some other disorder. I want to believe this is a phase that will pass, but I have enough parenting experience to know better.

Have I mentioned how much I get pissed at the birth mom for her use of narcotics and booze during pregnancy? Well, today I really am because this darling boy started out life with a big minus against him, thanks to her.