About Adoption - Commitment

Why did I choose adoption over bearing a child from my body? Technically, I say I could not conceive during either of my marriages to men. But the reasons go beyond scientific impossibility. Although I went through the procedures involved in increasing ovulation, charting cycles, watching periods come again and again when I hoped they would not, part of me didn't believe I'd ever give birth.

The doctors diagnosed "unexplained infertility". I diagnosed "not meant to happen".

While I was able to embrace the philosophical (your body is meant for other purposes) I emotionally reacted to the inability of my body to perform a basic function. Get pregnant. I didn't grieve for the children I'd never born, remaining too focused on physical failure. Not being able to do what others seem easily to do.

In retrospect, the reaction is pretty self-centered. Like the alcoholic's tendancy to turn everything into a "what about me" or "why can't I do like the others do" whine. Feel sorry for me please, because "oh, how I have suffered."

With the wisdom offered by hindsight's view, I realize I was meant for harder parenting options than simply making a child. Adoption is not for the weak. The parent/child relationship is like an arranged marriage. The commitment comes first, then the love.

The process of adoption is intrusive and annoying. Birth parents are rarely questioned about their physical health, belief systems, support systems, criminal history, faith or religious beliefs. They don't have their home inspected, photographed, and displayed in a nice brochure for agencies or prospective birth mothers to view. While they do wait for the child of conception to gestate, they don't have the same fears of the agency turning them down, the birth mother changing her mind, the wait for available children.

Birth parents are also rarely asked (from my observations in public settings and from acquaintences not versed in adoption speak):

• Will he/she speak English? (to my asian child and biracial child with speech problems)
  
• Do you have any children of your own?
• Are they all yours? No they are not! (from a sales person worrying as my four played in a toy aisle too loudly.)
• Are you worried about them having a genetic condition? HIV exposure?
• Can you give them back if it doesn't work out?
  
• Are they legally yours? What about the birth mother coming and getting them back?
• They're so cute. Are they related? They don't look like each other, how can they be?
  

Adopting a baby internationally is somewhat easier, because you see this little bundle of fussing, messy diapers, and possibilities. The behavior issues, the bonding, is all ahead and very possible. What trouble can a baby of six months be? I will love you. I will see you grow into a wonderful, talented, gifted adult. Even through my 2nd husband and I split during my son's first year, he has grown into a well-balanced and emotionally secure child.

When we explored adopting special needs kids, our social worker said "This is not the same as raising an adoptive child from babyhood." I sort of believed it, but believed more in my proven ability to parent my oldest child. Naturally, I could overcome anything through patience and love. We had the proof of my eldest son, didn't we?

But the reality of bringing a sibling group into our small family was much harder than I could have imagined. What was I thinking, at age 45, when I said "yes" to immediately doubling our family. To committing to kids ages 5, 3 and 2 who had endured more grief, suffering and abandonment than I could grasp? I was thinking I could do this, I could commit and stay committed, because I had no option to let them down. To give up on them as so many other adults had so far.

In sobriety I learned commitment only can be measured in 24 hours. Sometimes less. If I can get by right now, if I can survive this difficulty, I will be stronger for the next one. Every battle we fought over the "was-5-now-is-7 child" challenged my commitment. Made me see my behaviors in a light unflattering and prompted me to change. Again in hindsight, my son's behaviors prepared me for battles to come. We are now challenged by our youngest. Tantrums, rages, destruction of property .... no problem! Been there, done that with another kid.

Commitment also involves flexibility. Try one approach, then another, then another, until you hit upon a working solution. Commitment involves asking for help and listening to advice given but maybe not asked for. Commitment involves making a promise and keeping it. Commitment involves accepting responsibility no matter the consequence.

I know our kids are better off because we are their parents now. I know I am doing a good job because I see the changes in them brought about with consistency and caring. I know a parent's love can only have a foundation in commitment, because I do not have the option to fail them. I know adoption, especially involving foster children, is the hardest and most rewarding task I've been given. One I am committed to until I leave this earth forever.