What About Commitment?

In the past, the word commitment brought to mind more the idea of involuntary incarceration in a mental facility. "She was ready for commitment, so they brought the guys in the white coats and gave her a nice fitted jacket and padded cell."

When I think about commitment in relationship to family, thoughts about putting up with annoying or offensive extended family habits and beliefs comes to mind. "She was committed to being involved in family gatherings although they left her racked with inner turmoil upon completion." Commitment to family mean I'd abide (on the surface) without regard to personal cost.

As for marriage, commitment mean little. The words "until death us do part" was just part of the ceremony. I think the idea I'd been brought up on was that marriage (for a woman) was THE ANSWER. Fulfillment could only be found in marriage to a man (he being the HEAD OF THE HOUSE) and children which were naturally brought into a marriage. The idea I could break that commitment through divorce terrified me so much I could not act on divorce until I'd brought myself low through self destructive behaviors. I had no desire for counseling or intervention to save marriage which had decayed into nothing worth keeping. In this relationship, we don't have the legal commitment by law. We have the commitment involving our children which to me is bigger than the two of us.

I had little commitment to my own well-being, finding pleasure only in becoming what others wanted me to become. Wife, mother, second-class being, student, friend. No where in my upbringing was the concept I had value alone. Without my relation to another person, institution or god. I was taught conformity to THE WORLD was bad. But conformity to god (and this included the particular brand of religion and moral standards I was raised in) was good. I think becoming an alcoholic was easy for me, because I had the means to find the ease and comfort through an external substance. When I was using, all the inner turmoil, the supposed commitment to my moral standards could be tossed aside.

I am slowing coming to understand my own "brand" of commitment through recovery and my relation to my children. Recovery taught me about commitment to daily surrender. The idea that I could learn a moral recovery that had value to me, that the value I held dear could not be touched by the opinions of others. I must remain committed to those I care about in recovery and those who I don't care about. Those close to me have a value found only in reciprocated love and caring. Those not close to me, still suffering, sober but still in the disease, still are owed my commitment to them in giving respect and support. I can't be careless to those who need me, or don't YET know they need me.

As for my kids, commitment to them stands until I am dead. They have little choice, as minor children who've born losses I cannot comprehend, to do anything by trust and rely upon me to BE THERE FOR THEM despite what they do. The minute I begin holding resentment against them for their behaviors and wedge my own selfish needs above theirs, I let the parenting commitment slip a little. I can't be careless for those who need me.

As for my daily commitments, I am responsible to feed and clothe my kids. I am responsible for the animals in my care. I am responsible to better my partnership which sometimes involves fulfilling household responsibilities I hate, attending counseling sessions which can be painful, and trying to offer the best of who I am no matter the situation.